Facebook Status Madness

A new madness has erupted on the scene: Facebook status updates. (As if the very in short-forms-(ab)use wasn't enough to drive one mad!) Looks like it has taken over the common sense and minds of a lot of people, some of them dear to me, yet others mere acquaintances. Even while holidaying, their status will change on an hourly basis, vividly describing whatever it is they may be doing. A coupla instances: “In Paris, enjoying the most delicious champagne and eating the best sizzlers in the world!” Hmm… well, if I were really enjoying all of that, would I be FB-ing my status thus or just getting soaked in that feeling? Here’s another: “Amazed by the way Italian people build their bathrooms! There are mirrors on the ceiling and placed in a way your lover can see you taking a shower from the bedroom!” Or this one here: “Going to get my son potty-trained. Any suggestions?” (!!! Why would anyone want to put up their son’s toilet-training rituals on FB?) What do you think of this one: “Losing at chequers!” Is it any wonder you’re losing, says me…you’re busy facebook-ing! Another one: “Waiting to soak myself in my fiancé’s parent’s hot water bath tub!” Wow! How exciting!

Come on! I mean there are limits, you know, to what you will put up as your STATUS! On a freaking HOLIDAY, what’s more! It’s as if you’ll gasp, choke, faint or die if you didn’t let it all out on FB.

I have tried and tried and tried some more…and yet, any kind of sensible explanation for all of the above continues to elude me. The only conclusion I can reach to is that it is an obsession. Had such status updates been done by someone unknown to me, I’d have reckoned they were trying to brag and showoff. But, no, this is pure and simple addiction, mania or a compulsion…and, at worst, a need to communicate to anyone out there.

Wonder how Freud would have interpreted this fixation. Would have blamed this, too, on the Oedipal complex, maybe!

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10 THINGS TO DO AT WORK TOMORROW

For all youse folks wanting revenge at work, at the cost of whomsoever-you-may-come across :-)

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

3. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

4. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

5. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

6. Don't use any punctuation.

7. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge Dejected sigh.

8.Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

9. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

10. Every time you get an email, shout ''email.''

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Of Secretaries and Receptionists…

Have you noticed how receptionists and secretaries have a way of being a really annoying species? Except, of course, to the boss.

I know one who is perpetually on the official phone through the day, gossiping and back-biting about anyone she cares to tittle-tattle about. Low voice, head turned towards the wall, looking serious…you get the picture. You tell her to hang up (partly because everyone around is sick to the bone transferring calls for her) and you get scowls, frowns and intense hate vibes…if looks could kill, you’d be burnt to ashes – and charcoal black ones at that! This one is very clever. You see, she doesn’t know her job. And, so, before anyone can point a finger, she goes on the offensive and reports it all to the boss, giving a real sob story. Wait, there’s more: she seems to be organizing people, giving them a dressing down each time the boss is in the hearing vicinity! What would the honcho think? That the woman is a conscientious, hard worker and the rest of the pack is like rats jumping around when the cat’s gone out.

Groan! The way everyone suffers! The phone is never available, her reports are done by another (tis easier to do them yourself than chase her and ask her to do them), she comes in late and alters the attendance time, calls are connected (if at all) to the wrong person, you want to be connected to so and so and that’s exactly when the person to be called will not take the call or his number would be busy, people calling in are treated like pests (they’ve disturbed her personal call, you see), their phone call is transferred without as much a please-be-on-hold-while-I-transfer-you to them or an xyz-has-called to you…the list is endless! Would you believe she deliberately makes mistakes so you don’t ask her to do the same work again? Oh! You are also asked deeply personal questions, rather nonchalantly in a group that could leave you redder than a beetroot and squirming and writhing in your chair. Worse: if you don’t answer, it’s repeated with a different style. THAT is something she never runs out of. Her love life is extremely happening and I doubt if there is anyone from the cantankerous errands boy to the dull accountant who is unaware of that!

The worst was last week when a manager was rudely told to “shoot me a mail” beforehand if they wanted to be connected on the phone to anyone! I wonder how much bigger this milk and food guzzling organism will become for her boots.

Sigh! The future sure looks bleak…

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Customer Apathy

I so hate it when a customer care guy says, “But no one else seems to have a problem…” Come on, GIMME A BREAK! You mean I’m calling you for cheap thrills? Do I look like I care if no one else seems to be having the same problem? I do!

A small example of a usual phone conversation with my mobile service provider call centre guys. “I haven’t got my phone bill/an alert SMS from you. I don't know how much I owe you. As usual” CCE: “Oh! I am sorry.” Silence.

Tell me, wouldn’t you wonder? So I mutter a care-to-tell-me-the-amount-due. CCE: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience.” Silence. And a bored one.

Time to take charge, I think. “Look here, abc, it doesn’t matter if you are sorry or not. I need to know how much I need to pay!” CCE: “Well, we can make sure you get e-bills in the future, but we can’t do much about the past.” Man! He was daft!! He continues: “You WILL get your bill this time. Trust me.” Like hell I do! I bark at him, which gets me my answer, finally.

Ok…another thing, I haven’t been getting text messages from my friends for the last one week – none at all. Earlier, it’d be one-off, now it’s worse & frequent. CCE: “No? Sorry, but we haven’t heard of this complaint from anyone else.” Silence. A dead one, this time.

Was I wrong if I lost it? So, just because no one has complained to your oh-so-super-screwed company, does that make me a psycho who thrives on giving cc guys calls through the day? Snicker. Not mine. His.

I asked to be connected to his supervisor, complained(read: ranted) and got a whole load of promises. Out of sheer rage, I also lodged a formal complaint against the cc guy, sent a ‘VERY BAD’ as an option answer to the post-cc text message service they have, AND answered all the questions in a negative when I got a call-back from the company, asking about the cc guy. Sounds spiteful, but if this is what you are doled out each time you want a solution, so be it. And, it wasn’t a phone fault. I had my cell checked twice.

I have, since, changed my service provider.

Unfortunately, this one’s worse. I can’t even begin to tell you how dead they sound. Sigh!

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Shoe Trouble

A couple of friends were discussing their annoyance over shoes that just wouldn’t last.

Sigh!

Mine just don’t break! Yeah, I know. It IS a unique problem. Do what I may, my footwear just refuses to allow me to throw it away without feeling guilty. I am rather fed up. And, believe you me, I am not somebody who walks gingerly or carefully. Which is what makes it worse. More often than not, I find myself giving away practically new shoes, which makes my family wince. They have little idea of how old they are and I am so unable to explain my predicament to them! What looks new, is new. Period.

I think the time is right for a second sigh.

A lot many people have wondered at my jam. In fact, a few have even tried to help me out of this pickle. Run on loose gravel. Keep them out in the sun for a couple of days. Soak them in water. Dip my feet in tar. Moonwalk. Right.

As I write this silly little post, I marvel at those who are able to buy new footwear “because the old ones gave way.” What wouldn’t I do to be in their shoes!

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Ugh! Somebody Shoot Me!

Egad!

Yes. I’m quite exasperated. With educated people who have scant sense of manners. Here are a couple of things I am fed up with:

1. People sticking to you in a queue.(Holy mother of god!)
2. People borrowing pens and miscellaneous stationary stuff from your desk without asking.
3. People peering to see who’s calling when your cell phone rings, or, alternately, answering your calls in your absence.
4. People leaving their plates or glass behind on the table for someone else to pick up and put into the sink after they leave.
5. People reaching out across you for something on the table instead of requesting you to pass it to them.(I ask you!)
6. People making sudden turns on the road without signaling and staring at you as if it's your fault you couldn't read their mind!
7. QUALIS call centre drivers who think they can shrink their vehicle on the road and drive under this delusion.
8. People driving in the middle of the road at 30 kmph and not letting you pass.
9. People who are noisy eaters and talk while chewing food! (YUCK!)
10. People peering over your shoulder to see what you are reading/doing on the computer.
11. People barging into a/your room without as much as an ahem (knocking? What’s that?)
12. People who don’t return borrowed books/CD’s.
13. People rushing inside a movie hall even though their seats are assigned (Gawd! Why do people do this?)
14. Men opening their woman’s bag to take whatever out.

THE WORST:

People (educated, at that) thinking nothing is wrong with all of the above and wondering why you are making such a row about it!

What annoys you to the point of tearing your hair out, brandishing your teeth, banging your head against the wall, stomping your feet till the earth gives way and such like?

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A Discussion on a Small Aspect of Social Hypocrisy

A rather thought-provoking discussion took place the other day: why are people in India so obsessively crazy about Bollywood stars? A lot many of them don’t know how to behave, are criminals, hypocrites, no-gooders. They get drunk and drive over people, hunt when hunting is banned, carry around unlicensed weapons, beat up women, have little or no moral or social values. Why, then, are there long queues in front of their houses? Why do people listen to them when they campaign for various political leaders? Why do they appeal to people in spite of being rogues? Is it because people love rebels?

Well, why is it that people look down upon prostitutes (their children are denied admission in schools) and adore actresses dressed in hard-to-find-clothes, strutting around doing whatever it is that the movie “demands,” hugging and doing what not with a different “hero” each time? Most of them don’t even know how to act, for crying out loud! What special skill makes them ‘respectable?’ It is a well-known fact (remember those millions of sting operations?) that a lot of wanna-be actresses and top models have been known to be high-end call girls and escorts. What separates them from a regular prostitute? Beauty? Good PR?

Why must people be so hypocritical? What is it that a Salman Khan (he, of the drinking-and-running-over-people-and-beating-his-girlfriends-to-a-pulp fame) of the country will have to offer? How does he become a “hero?”

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Whose Line is it, Anyway? Arbitrary Thoughts on My Many Faces.

Absurdly, a statement from a desperate wanna-be set me thinking. A very belligerent woman, she said she was soft at the core but had to pretend to be brash to save herself from being mangled by the “wolves” of the industry.

Hmm. I realized I had a coupla faces myself. One for home, another for work, one for friends, yet another for strangers. I must be leaving people pretty befuddled. Imagine a group of people comprising a family member, a chaddi friend, a colleague, an acquaintance, an ex-flame, a stranger (to me, that is), and a person I don’t get along with. If they were to discuss me, they’d probably all have different things to say, quite like those 7 blind men, all touching different parts of the elephant and having totally varied and diverse things to conclude about the poor animal. Each, of course, positive that their unique experience was THE one; that the others didn’t know any better.

You get the drift.

Obviously, one can’t be the same with everyone one meets. Some would say it’s hypocritical. I’d say it’s essential. There is no greater pleasure than to be yourself; and of course, that’s the real you coz you don’t have your antennae up. You aren’t worried about being judged. That said, again, there is no greater pleasure than being a total mystery to the one you can’t tolerate! :-)Let ‘em keep guessing. The minute they conclude I am a snob, I belie that and do something sweet! Keep 'em on their toes!

Mean? Maybe. But when people are out to walk all over you, you have only so many options. Become a doormat, try to change their way of thinking, care a fig or confuse them. Actually, confuse-if-you-can’t-convince seems to work pretty well.

Well, most of the time.

When it doesn’t, I take the “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!” route. Believe you me, it works.

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The Best of P.G. Wodehouse!

Snippets from PGW for all you PGW lovers!

* Bertie Wooster; "Well Jeeves, this gentleman who just visited me, was he a fellow with a belly like a boiled potato and face like a cauliflower?"

Jeeves, the perfect butler, with a poker face: "Certainly Sir. There is much resemblance to the vegetables that you mentioned."

Bertie: "A rather stout and fat party, eh?"

Jeeves: "Well sir, I wouldn't attribute the same adjectives myself, but certainly a gentleman with generous proportions."

* My Aunt Dahlia has a carrying voice... If all other sources of income failed, she could make a good living calling the cattle home across the Sands of Dee. She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season.

* Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the boxing-glove.

* You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.

* Scarcely had I entered the sitting-room when I found ... what appeared at first sight to be the Devil, A closer scrutiny informed me that it was Gussie Fink-Nottle, dressed as Mephistopheles. (can you imagine saying this about your own pal?!!!!)

* We do not tell old friends beneath our roof-tree that they are an offence to the eyesight.

* In build and appearance, Tuppy somewhat resembles a bulldog, and his aspect now was that of one of these fine animals who has just been refused a slice of cake.

* Aunt Agatha is like an elephant—not so much to look at, for in appearance she resembles more a well-bred vulture, but because she never forgets.

And, one of his best:
It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.

And, some more...

* She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

* The Duke of Dunstable had one-way pockets. He would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel an orphan out of tuppence.

* The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

* It is a good rule in life never to apologize.

* The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

* I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don't know what I did before that . . . just loafed, I suppose.

*As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.

* Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse.

* The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea!

* There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

* He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

* I always advise people never to give advice.

* Wilfred Allsop was sitting up, his face pale, his eyes glassy, his hair disordered. He looked like the poet Shelley after a big night out with Lord Byron.

* She wrinkles her nose at me as if I were a drain that had got out of order.

* The Aberdeen terrier gave me an unpleasant look and said something under his breath in Gaelic eye swiveling round stopped me like a bullet. The Wedding Guest, if you remember, had the same trouble with the Ancient Mariner.

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Section 377: Time to be Gay

A rather animated discussion was taking place when I walked in to my workplace. Topic: the revised Article 377 of the Indian constitution that makes gay rights legal, simply said. 5 men said it is not moral, 1 woman said it had nothing to do with morals.

The guys said now they’d have to go in burqas…afraid that any man might ask them to marry them on the road! Ridiculous. They also said one may as well legalize drugs, robbery and poison. They said it was unnatural, immoral and just not right. Gays ought to be sent to jail!

In this case, the eunuchs ought to be killed! Because that, too, is not natural, yes? But, then, that was different, they said in a chorus. Ah. And, how was that different, may I ask? Just because they were “different” physically? Is that all? So, just because a person looks different, it is natural. But, if he feels differently because it is natural for him/her to feel that way, it is illegal! Drugs, poison are harmful to life…being gay doesn’t kill…it’s just a sexual inclination, for crying out loud! What if YOU did not feel naturally attracted to men/women, as the case may be, however hard you tried? How can you force someone to be attracted to a particular sex when they feel absolutely nothing? Imagine asking such a person to get married to a ‘normal’ person! It’s atrocious, unfair …for both the individuals. In fact, it may even amount to rape.

I am aware of people pretending to be gay because they are bored or turn gay for the sake of shock-value, money, favours or attention – that is another matter. The discussion, here, is about people who are inherently different, not for the sake of kicks.

Every individual has a right to be themselves, as long as it doesn’t harm or injure anyone in any way. Why should we accept and consider only physical differences as normal? Just because it is obvious? Should I be considered a freak because I think, feel, react differently? Or, because how I am, is not ‘common?’ Am I to be not accepted because in your experience, I act contrarily to a system of universal or personal belief? How hypocritical, insensitive and lopsided a perspective/belief is that? Going by this, corruption should be legalised…isn’t it common? That is immoral. Pedophiles and rapists ought to be sent to jail, not souls who cannot bring themselves to feel the way ‘straight’ people do.

I think it is time we looked at things from a different angle…take a more comprehensive look; accept and recognize that people can be different, singular and unlike us…and just because they cannot feel the way they are supposed to "traditionally" feel doesn’t make them any less of a human being.

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Fame mongers! I ask you!

Rakhi Sawant...sigh! The woman who, despite multiple plastic surgeries, enhancements and what-have-you, still looks like a distorted mask, claims to become an “ideal wife” on national television!

Gimme a break! For a C-grade someone, she sure has gone overboard in acting demure and pure! The struggling item girl-turned big-boss-celebrity-turned-virginal-actor will now get married on TV! What will people not do for publicity and eyeballs! First a bhartiya-nari charade on being kissed, then a sob story about her life, a coupla third rate minute-long appearances in bhojpuri films and now this! Come on, she doesn’t even sound convincing!

Remember what happened to Rick Rockwell, the silhouetted multi-millionaire figure, in 'Who Wants to Marry a Multi-millionaire?' It so turned out neither was the man a multi-millionaire nor was the marriage real! The woman was paid to act along. They all got what they wanted: spotlight. By the way, the so-called marriage was annulled 2 months later.

Alas! There are some who think people like Rakhi are great. Haven’t I heard the “at least they are honest” dialogue a million times? Honest about what? The stories are “leaked” as media hype. One knows the truth is bound to come out sooner or later. Remember Mallika Sherawat? Turned out she was married and had concocted all those crazy stories of supposed ill-treatment.

Poor MJ’s not even buried when his ex comes up and reveals the goriest of details about their bedroom and what not. Is this the time, I ask you!

What IS the matter with people? What will they not do for a bubble reputation! One has to achieve higher goals, but at what cost?

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MJ: More Sinned Against than Sinning…

No, I am not a fan. But, I still think MJ was a man more sinned against than sinning. And, now, he shall sing no more.

A celebrity hounded. It’s unfortunate that a lot of people remember him for the wrong reasons. Enduring physical and mental abuse by your own father for years is not a simple thing. Growing up branded in a cruel world that thinks nothing of you if you ain’t white or rich can be psychologically devastating.

But, MJ not only made it, he made it like no other! His was THE breakthrough. He is the reason other African-American singers were noticed and recognized.

Not for nothing was he described as, “an unstoppable juggernaut, possessed of all the tools to dominate the charts seemingly at will…” He had star power and that fact is undeniable. Remember him for his music, his songs, his voice, his dance moves…forget the rest…he was human, like us. So what if he got a nose job/other surgical treatments? Don’t forget – he grew up believing black was not beautiful. Isn’t that something the society needs to feel responsible for? What’s wrong in wanting a better nose anyway? He was just another human who wanted to look better than he thought he did. Is that a crime? Any one else would go unnoticed; but, just because it’s “MJ,” people badger, attack, stab, gibe, mock, twist, distort.

Limelight does strange things to people. Maybe he was weird or a rebel. So what? He was a man who could not only hold but arrest your attention. And, for decades! How can you forget his path-breaking work?

Let him be…let's not judge...he made mistakes…we all do. Life is complicated. Let’s celebrate him for what he was: a singer, a dancer like no other, a song-writer. The rest does not matter. As Auden once wrote for Yeats, so it is for MJ:

You were silly like us; your gift survived it all;

Sing of human unsuccess

In a rapture of distress;

In the deserts of the heart

Let the healing fountain start,

In the Prison of his days,

Teach the free man how to praise...

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Of the Divine...random thoughts...

A rather controversial and interesting topic: the Divine. Is it essential to bow down to a higher power? Different takes, different strokes, some pale, come coloured, few accepting, many severe…

I, for one, cannot believe that the Divine doles out scrolls of punishments and rewards according to what it thinks is right or wrong. That, indeed, is a VERY human behavioral pattern. If it is the DIVINE, it should be without ego, pride, wrath and other human attributes, if you know what I mean. After all, that’s what makes it divine…that’s what gives it power. I cannot believe the D is divine because it has the power to strike plagues and smote people out of sheer vengeance. Anyway.

The point is, the yogis’ (NOT THE HINDUS!) standpoint has been this: optimize the body to reach to the highest level a human can reach physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. From nothingness to nothingness. With a world of a difference, of course between the two.

Coming back to the main topic, given the divinity of the D, would He/She want servile, subservient, begging, toadying, apple-polishing, cowering 'devotees' or would the D want each soul to rise to its own height and scope, irrespective of praise or censure? I think, tis the latter.

Leads me to another aspect. Think it’s easier for people to act subservient, grovel and denigrate themselves, be so-called sinners than to take charge, sit themselves down and ask: what went wrong/is the problem, what can ‘I’ do to change it. Was I responsible for it in any way? I think very few people are brave enough to take complete responsibility for their actions, words and life. We'd much rather live with passing off responsibilty on another force than accept the harsh, brutal truth. Juvenile, but there it is.

I personally think the D would like a human more in tune with itself, more wanting to be 'in-charge' despite the given condition, work/slog it out than give in to the ‘kismet’ bit. I go to a dentist, he screws up my mouth coz he didn’t have enough expertise/right knowledge about the medicine…that ain’t kismet. It’s a human fault, not justice meted out by the D for a probable past life. The doc should have been more ethical, he should have made me aware about the possible side-effects of the medicine before venturing into treating me. Control what you can- each one, not just me.

Kismet ain’t punishment. It’s learning. Learn and you grow, fail and the patterns will keep repeating till one learns.

Returning to the point: prayer isn’t asking…it’s a dialogue between you and your higher self, which is the Divine. The D ain’t a separate entity…we have separated Him by moving away from the Centre…

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Life in Transit...

How does it feel to be in a place that may best be called transit? Has your life been in transit, ever? When you knew you had moved away from the past, were waiting for the future, not yet there? Life in transit can be dull…or not, depending on the perspective you choose to carry.
I have seen a lot many people getting frustrated coz they want to move to the next destination but can’t. A lot others eventually move on but wistfully look back at the time they were in that in-between situation of life. What is it about that state that bothers people? Is it the ‘don’t-know-what’s-in-store’ factor? Impatience? Or is it fear? I think it’s a pretty decent place to be in, if you look at it from that angle. You have left something behind, something you can never go back to, for better or worse. You have this life ahead about which you have very little clue. So what? Can’t the present be enjoyed without perpetually singing the I wonder what’s in store for me jingle? Remember what what’s-his-name said…
What might have been is an abstractionRemaining a perpetual possibilityOnly in a world of speculation.What might have been and what has beenPoint to one end, which is always present.

If all it boils down to, is the present, then will fretting and worrying do much other than send you down a mental disquietude lane? Life in transit ain’t that bad, after all. Look around you…people are moving about doing things they always do. They’re either working, or married, or raising kids, generally. They are all there somewhere. But again, are they? Maybe that’s not what you’d like. Maybe, just maybe, life has a different route set out for you. Isn’t it worth the wait? It’s important to just live the moment, even if it means watching others do the dance of life. You are at a vantage point…all-seeing, as it were. An observer in the grandstand of life. Not bad for someone who is, technically, nowhere. :)

You know it all better- having seen it all objectively. You know where to pull the strings, where to draw the line.

So, nowhere man, please listen, you don’t know what you’re not missing…quit fretting and start enjoying the place you’re in! … Time past and time future

What might have been and what has been

Point to one end, which is always present.

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Invictus...

Here is a fav poem of mine by William Ernest Henley. Check out the last lines ine each stanza:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods there may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance,
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears,
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet, the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

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