08 July 2009
* Bertie Wooster; "Well Jeeves, this gentleman who just visited me, was he a fellow with a belly like a boiled potato and face like a cauliflower?"
Jeeves, the perfect butler, with a poker face: "Certainly Sir. There is much resemblance to the vegetables that you mentioned."
Bertie: "A rather stout and fat party, eh?"
Jeeves: "Well sir, I wouldn't attribute the same adjectives myself, but certainly a gentleman with generous proportions."
* My Aunt Dahlia has a carrying voice... If all other sources of income failed, she could make a good living calling the cattle home across the Sands of Dee. She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season.
* Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the boxing-glove.
* You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.
* Scarcely had I entered the sitting-room when I found ... what appeared at first sight to be the Devil, A closer scrutiny informed me that it was Gussie Fink-Nottle, dressed as Mephistopheles. (can you imagine saying this about your own pal?!!!!)
* We do not tell old friends beneath our roof-tree that they are an offence to the eyesight.
* In build and appearance, Tuppy somewhat resembles a bulldog, and his aspect now was that of one of these fine animals who has just been refused a slice of cake.
* Aunt Agatha is like an elephant—not so much to look at, for in appearance she resembles more a well-bred vulture, but because she never forgets.
And, one of his best:
It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.
And, some more...
* She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
* The Duke of Dunstable had one-way pockets. He would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel an orphan out of tuppence.
* The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
* It is a good rule in life never to apologize.
* The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
* I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don't know what I did before that . . . just loafed, I suppose.
*As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.
* Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse.
* The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea!
* There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
* He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.
* I always advise people never to give advice.
* Wilfred Allsop was sitting up, his face pale, his eyes glassy, his hair disordered. He looked like the poet Shelley after a big night out with Lord Byron.
* She wrinkles her nose at me as if I were a drain that had got out of order.
* The Aberdeen terrier gave me an unpleasant look and said something under his breath in Gaelic eye swiveling round stopped me like a bullet. The Wedding Guest, if you remember, had the same trouble with the Ancient Mariner.